Waving fields of corn. Reassuring northern voiceover. Lots of guff about doing stuff the traditional way. Yup, that's right, 300 is the longest Hovis advert in history. I mean they've made a few changes - there's little or no actual bread involved for a kick-off, probably just as well since this prefectly sums up my hostility to the baking community, and I don't remember the depressingly anodyne originals (the ones that pop up along with the kiddie-fiddling Werthers Original muncher in the middle of mass market TV nonsense like Corrie) being quite so bloody, but all the fundamentals are in place, and not to spoil the ending too much, they all end up pretty much sliced.

On a more technical level, it's a reasonable story - there's ninjas with gimps, CGI elephants and hunchbacks - all the things you'd expect from a modern fighting force in the centuries before the rise of Rome. And they managed to fit the whole thing in in less than 2 hours, which made a nice change from every other hotly awaited fucking bore-fest that's come out in the last 10 years. There is absolutely nothing quirky about it however, to the extent that even Gladiator comes across as more of a stylized comic-book thing. And that makes the end credits in particular stick out like a sore thumb.

There really isn't a great deal else to say. It's more or less exactly what you'd expect from an epic story of 300 ancient greek soldiers defending a breach against 30000 blah blah blah - no endless mindless hobbit backstory bollocks like Lord of the Rings, and gloriously little opportunity for a sequel ("302 - This time the odds a little more even" anyone? anyone). I think if I had a modicum of ability and 30 million quid and somebody from a northern bakery gave me the plot synopsis and said "we want a good film but nothing too fancy, and let's not have any of the bastards walking out thinking of Wharburton's this is pretty much what I'd have come up with. 4/5 : 300, the Spartan fighting force wi' nowt tekken out.